Discipline From the Heart
Ten Alternatives to Punishment

By Stephanie De Danann

Along my parenting journey I have come across many a book that I wish I had read before I had children. I was one of those people who really concentrated on the whole pregnancy and birthing experience and then realized after I had my first child that I had not picked up one book on actually raising that little being. Not that books have all the information, actually listening to your intuition and just responding in ways that feel natural is even more important. That said, there are some books that could have helped me at least bring together some of my ideas about parenting into a plan of action, especially within the realm of discipline.

I knew I wanted to discipline without violence and with understanding, but that idea is so vague. There are still so many choices of how to handle a situation within that idea, like punishment. You can punish a child without using violence (time-outs, removal of special items or privileges etc.), but was punishment an option that I wanted to use? Admittedly I have used non violent punishment and probably will continue to from time to time. My parenting is a work in progress and it is so hard especially in times of great frustration not to just go with whatever your mind pulls out from your own past or what you grew up watching within your culture. It is in those times of reaction to my child's behavior that I am least proud of my parenting skills. I am always on the lookout for advice in the area of discipline, something that will ring true to my beliefs.

My husband and I have just finished reading "The Natural Child, Parenting from the Heart", by Jan Hunt. This is definitely one of those books I wish I had read pre-children. It resonates on so many subjects for me, from extended breastfeeding to home schooling. "The Natural Child" is not a discipline book, basically it is a book about respecting your children and their needs, remembering that they are our equals and deserve to be treated as such. Jan Hunt has written a list that I would like to write on a huge piece of poster board and place somewhere highly visible in my house as a constant reminder of how I want to discipline. In the book she goes into each alternative in detail but I'll share the basic ten ideas here.

Ten Alternatives to Punishment

1. Prevent unwanted behavior from occurring by meeting your child's needs when they are first expressed.
2. Provide a safe, child friendly environment.
3. Apply the Golden Rule (If you would not like to be treated that way then....)
4. Show empathy for your child's feelings.
5. Validate your child's feelings
6. Meet the underlying needs that led to the behavior in the first place.
7. Stay on your child's side.
8. Reassure your child that she is loved and appreciated.
9. Provide positive alternative experiences and productive activities.
10. Ask yourself "Will I look back on this later and laugh?" (If so, why not laugh now?)

Very simple yet lost in the heat of the moment all too often unfortunately. I have never hit or yelled at my children and I do keep relatively calm. I have been known to do the counting to three method and time outs have been used repeatedly sometimes just for me when I have had too much. I think it is important not to beat ourselves up for not being the "perfect" parent, but to continually strive to be a better one. If you can honestly say that you are really trying then that is all you can ask of yourself. So, if you see me not following one of the above "rules" please forgive but I am working my way there too. Hopefully both of my children will feel like I was "On their Side", that I gave them respect and much love. It is Jan Hunt's message of "Parenting from the Heart" of keeping your love for your children in your mind instead of the anger or frustration dictating your actions that I have been striving to make part of my parenting skills. I'll keep reading and trying to become the parent I want for my little loves and maybe you have something to share that will help me in my journey.

Stephanie De Danann is the mother of two beautiful children that she raises in love with her husband Richard. They have been a part of MSN for over 3 years now and are so happy that they were given that first newsletter. This community has been a wonderful source of both learning and friendship and they are forever thankful.