Book Review: Unconditional Parenting

Reviewed by Susan Zeman

"Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason"
By Alfie Kohn
Atria Books, 2005

In our society children are consistently condemned for manipulating parents and for being inherently troublesome. (Anyone heard of the "terrible twos?") In reality, of course, it may be the adults who are manipulating children, and it can be a challenging process for conscientious parents to learn how to work with children and allow them to make, and learn from, their own mistakes. In his latest book, Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn advises us to create a collaborative relationship with our children through loving, nurturing, and guiding them simply because they are themselves, with no strings attached.

You are probably thinking, but I already do that, and to this I might have some bad news. Kohn demonstrates that loving our children unconditionally is not entirely sufficient-what's more important is that our children perceive our love as unconditional. Research among older kids and their parents indicates that children may be receiving messages about conditions that parents might not realize they're sending.

Kohn also calls into question, and yes, even condemns, some of our standard "gentle" discipline techniques. They might not be so gentle, after all, his research finds. They might be sending our children a very different message than what we intend. (And he questions the whole idea of finding a "technique" by which to parent, anyway.)

In a nutshell, discipline advice has historically rested on a single balance: punishments and rewards. In this modern day many of us choose "gentle" discipline techniques like "time-outs," "natural consequences," and praise. But Kohn says these new forms really don't change much. He says that "time-outs" are really "love withdrawal," and they maintain the same old coercive relationship. A choice between a spanking and a time-out, says Kohn, is simply a question of "how we'll make them suffer: by causing them physical pain through hitting, or by causing emotional pain through enforced isolation." As far as "natural consequences" go, Kohn says, if they're imposed or enforced by us, they're anything but natural and to a child can seem as arbitrary as being spanked for talking back.

And while punishments and rewards often work in the short term they almost always fail over the long haul. This is because they necessarily direct the child's attention inward, on how he was affected by his actions, and away from how those actions affect the community. Something as simple as praising a child for sharing a toy takes his attention away from the relationship he is creating with his friend, and focuses it inward, on what he got out of the interaction. Now, instead of thinking about the intrinsic joys of friendship, he's thinking about what's in it for him. This might make him more likely to share, (when you're around to see it,) but won't help him learn to love sharing.

So what is a parent to do? The answer to this question is both complicated and simple. We should stop looking for techniques with which to parent and start working with our child. Stop "doing-to," as Kohn says, and start "doing-with." We can begin by evaluating our goals for our child and thinking about how our behavior models or promotes these qualities. Do you want your child to grow up moral? Generous? Helpful? Caring? Tolerant? If so, studies indicate that control-based discipline like punishments and rewards aren't the right path for you.

Instead Kohn encourages us to see the best in our children, to believe in their good intentions, to make allowances for their level of understanding and experience, and to give them the opportunity to practice making decisions. And he's not just talking about what color shirt to wear today. Kohn wants us to involve our children in the decisions that really affect their lives. Participating in our decision making process helps our children prepare for shouldering this responsibility themselves. It also helps us get a feel for what they can handle and when. With our loving guidance, more and more decisions can gradually be left entirely in the hands of our children. When we must impose our will, for instance, when we must stop a behavior like hitting or biting, we should do so with loving firmness and always, always, always with a good explanation. Finally, although we must sometimes control our children's behavior, it is crucial that we not also attempt to control their feelings. A child upset, for instance, with being pulled from a chosen activity, has a genuine beef and needs to be allowed to work through his feelings. We parents shouldn't take it personally.

In a word, I found this book refreshing! This book really hits me on a gut level as being so important for helping our children truly grow. It's hard, but ignoring all the cultural cues that teach us to expect the worst from our children, and instead seeing their behavior with fresh eyes, from their perspective, and attributing to them the best possible motives can allow us to work with our children to help them grow into full, responsible, autonomous, generous, confident, tolerant, moral, insert your own favorite qualities here, adults.

Originally from St. Louis, Missouri, Susan Zeman now lives in South Sacramento with her partner and baby. She currently stays at home full time with the babe, but she hopes to eventually go to nursing school.